im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
