Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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