hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Randomize
