my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
