he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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