sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
