I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Found your dick twin last night
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
