there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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