Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
