i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
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The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
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Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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