I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
