Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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