She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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