Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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