I'm gonna have a badass scar
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
