Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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