I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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