they said they heard you say put it in my butt
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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