I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
this beer tastes like vomit already
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
