ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.