If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
So squirting runs in the family.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.