I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse