I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
