i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
