I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
