i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
