I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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