then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
