proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
