Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
