Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
