you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
