i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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