I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
