That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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