im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.