i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
