I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
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