I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
