can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
