between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
