My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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