I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
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