I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i love accidental penises.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
