my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
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I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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