Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
whose ass print is on the piano?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
