I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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