I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
