sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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