Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
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Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
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You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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