It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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