I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
