Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
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My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
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On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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