remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
