So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
we're chasing vodka with high fives
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
