he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I checked into jail on foursquare
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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