stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
