You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
